A GREEN DREAM
With empty pockets and time only hands, I'm toying with going into politics. Given that money would be my sole motivation if I do, I knew I'd need a good idea, or better yet, one that sounds good but is an empty vessel in reality. So I have a peach of an idea and I just know the Green Party will love it.
That flipper-friendly crowd never cease to chastise us for using fossil fuels that create the greenhouse gas Carbon Dioxide. As a result of their incessant white noise, carbon taxes have been applied to us all at the pumps and the friends of flipper get a goodly portion of that to fund them to chastise even more. Hence, more chastisement and richer Greens, (a rich green land, ha, ha).
Here then is my idea for my new party, (and I do mean party). For humans and other oxygen-breathing vertebrates, the process of respiration takes place within the lungs, driven by a series of mechanics called inhalation and exhalation. These are the biological mechanisms that make up breathing. We breathe in to take in oxygen, and breathe out to expel carbon dioxide!
Similarly every cell in an animal requires oxygen to perform cellular respiration which gives off carbon dioxide and water as waste products. Respiration is the process by which animals exchange these gases with their environment.
Great thundering Jesus! There's over six billion of us on this revolving turf and each and every one of us are sucking in precious oxygen only to turn it into a carbon pollutant and then blow it out at the ozone layer. What in God's name are we thinking of? If any of the green shit is half true, every single breath will have to be taxed. John Gormley is going to get a call from me because there's big money to be made here for yours truly!
Think of the hundreds of billions of blasted animals. Right then lads, the shooting season will be all-year round for a bit so get any animal you like in your crosshairs. While you are all out on your four-legged genocide, we new greens will be preparing attractive vegetable recipes for a future non-meat eating world. Think of it as killing two birds with one stone if you like. Come to think of it, a national competition involving killing two birds that way could be the new national sport for a few years, (I'll have a chat with Gormless and get back to you on that one). To make you feel good about yourself, my new green pals and me will have a long list of positive advantages made out for you when you get back from the hunt, like no more dog-shit on the pavements etc. The Linda McCartney book of veggie-burgers will be the new bible and the bullshit about drowning polar bears can cease because all of those nine foot, bad-tempered bastards will be dead. For the ladies, fur coats can become fashionable again if only for a few years.
The big cash-cow, ahem, income stream for the new greens will be the obvious 'breathing tax' that simply must be applied and no right-thinking responsible citizen could possibly object to that. On the principle of "The user pays," I have been exploring a system of a "fee-per-breath," model. Currently I am toying with a cent for each inhalation and at an average one breath per two-second interval, it will cost you a mere €1.80 an hour. It is a tax of €43.20 per day for every citizen in the State and I can't say fairer than that. Think of the poor fluffy ozone layer you selfish bastard!
And don't bother with that mealy-mouthed stuff like oxygen is essential for life. So is water for fuck's sake and we're taxing that already. Do you think fresh oxygen grows on trees you moron?
Oh! And I'm changing my name to John Green! "Happy days are here again!"