It cost over €100 million to run the Houses of the Oireachtas last year, (or €384,615 per working day), according to the released figures and in return, the Dáil sat 123 times or a total of 1,023 sitting hours.

Bear in mind that in a given year there are 365 days or 8,760 hours. It is worth remembering also that very often, the Dail itself is practically empty on a sitting day. The Oireachtas Report, (on TV), (if you’re suicidal enough to sit and watch it), will show the chamber with as little as three or four TD’s, one of whom might even appear to be asleep.

But we assume that when grave affairs of Nation are being debated there is a packed house of somber-faced Deputies, eager to do the right thing by the people. It is disappointing therefore that yesterday’s sitting featured complete childishness on the part of our new leader, no less. Micheál Martin, leader of the opposition, in reference to the Government’s handling of Hospice funding, accused Leo Varadkar of “screwing,” the Hospice. While I have little time for Micheál Martin, I have no doubt that he is right in his accusation. This Government and the last have been screwing all of us for the last ten years so why not the elderly and dying.

But rather than respond like an adult and refute Micheál’s assertions with hard facts to show otherwise, our sensitive ‘Little Leo,” resorted to taking offense at the word screw. He refused to repeat the word itself but thundered, “I reject the allegation and I reject the language you have just used in this House. I think that sort of language used in the parliament chamber is unbecoming of your office as leader of the Opposition,” An outraged melee ensued and on the Government benches, Varadkar’s boys and girls feigned deep insult and outrage at the word ‘screwed’ in relation to them.

Screwed is defined as, ” Fasten or tighten with a screw or screws,” so one might reasonably interpret Micheál’s meaning as an accusation that the Government ‘tightened’ the Hospice funding. They must have screwed the money supply shut. So he could have meant that Hospice funding was tight or too tight in this case. Mind you, a dirty mind might think screwed is a slang for sexual intercourse, you know, a bit like riding! Then though, proceedings took a more interesting turn, (from my perspective). Little Leo went on to say, “The Ceann Comhairle may wish to examine whether or not that is one of the words prohibited, (in the Dail).” Wha….?

Oh, I couldn’t resist that beauty! What the fuck else are you not allowed to say, given that any old lie a TD wishes to tell, can be told with complete legal immunity on the floor of the Dail. Well, let me set me the scene for you. Imagine a typical Dail sitting, the usual turkeys sitting around clucking. You know, of course, that the sole purpose of any debate, regardless of the topic, is to score points off the other guys. When the insults and slander begin to be slung around, they resemble a bunch of badly behaved children, which is the definition of the word brat. But the use of the word brat is actually prohibited in those hallowed halls. Isn’t that unbelievable. I reckon these people are so childish though that they will resort to rascal, wretch, imp, whippersnapper or minx, instead of brat.

They really are just a bunch of ridiculous but amusing people, but then again, that’s the definition of ‘buffoon’ and that word is prohibited as well. They can’t call each other chancers either even though a chancer is a person who exploits any opportunity to further their own ends, almost the definition of politician. You cannot use the word gurrier even though Sinn Fein TD’s are present. You cannot say ‘guttersnipe,’ which is a scruffy and badly behaved child who spends most of their time on the street, even if Mick Wallace is sitting staring back at you. You can’t say scumbag, defined as a contemptible or objectionable person, of which there are many in the Dail as we all know. The word coward is even banned in a house crammed with moral cowards.

According to this Journal article, “A member of the Dáil must not allege that another member is guilty of a criminal or unlawful act or ‘reflect on his character or personal honour’ by stating that the member is guilty of murder, blackmail, corruption, perjury, seditious libel or being deceitful.” They can however tell everyone there to ‘fuck off,’ they can call a fellow Deputy a ‘cunt,’ and they could refer to the whole House collectively as a bunch of shits, but you can’t call any of them a hypocrite. It is common knowledge that they swear like troopers away from the spotlight, the fucking hypocrites! Nope! you’re not allowed to say that.

It must be some kind of cruel joke though that the most accurate and appropriate words in the English language which best describe our elected representatives, are banned from use in our Parliament. Isn’t it yet another example of their cowardly hypocrisy, the chancers?

TIGHTEN THEM ALL WITH SCREWS!